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The Biting Phase: Understanding the “Why” and Managing the “Ouch”

Few things make a parent’s stomach drop faster than picking up their child from daycare and hearing, “There was an incident today…” whether your child was the one bitten or the one doing the biting.

Biting is a visceral, emotional, and often painful issue. Parents of the biter often feel intense shame (“Is my child aggressive?”), while parents of the victim feel protective anger. However, in the world of early childhood development, biting is surprisingly common and rarely malicious.

Here is a guide to decoding the behavior and handling it with confidence.

Part 1: Decoding the “Why”

To stop the biting, we first have to understand the motive. Children under age three rarely bite to be “mean.” They bite because they lack the skills to cope with a situation differently.

• The Explorer (Infants): Babies explore the world with their mouths. They don’t realize that biting a shoulder hurts any more than biting a rattle does.
• The Teether: The pressure of new teeth pushing through gums can be painful. Biting provides relief.
• The Frustrated Communicator: This is the most common cause in toddlers. They have big feelings but a small vocabulary. When they want a toy, need personal space, or feel angry, they can’t say, “Excuse me, I am using that.” Their physical reaction is faster than their words.
• The Overwhelmed Child: Loud noises, chaotic environments, or being too close to other kids can trigger a sensory overload. Biting can be a way to regain control or create space (“If I bite, everyone moves away!”).
• The Seeker of Cause & Effect: Toddlers are scientists. They wonder, “What happens if I chomp?” The resulting reaction—crying, gasps, teacher rushing over—is a fascinating (and reinforcing) experiment.

Part 2: How to Handle It In the Moment

When a bite happens, your reaction sets the tone. The goal is to keep everyone safe without shaming the child.

1. Stay Calm (The Most Important Step) It is natural to want to yell “NO!” or panic. However, a big, loud reaction can actually reinforce the behavior. To a toddler, seeing an adult explode with emotion is highly stimulating. Keep your face neutral and your voice low.

2. Focus on the Victim First Shift your attention immediately to the child who was hurt. Comfort them, get an ice pack, and offer hugs.

• Why? This teaches the biter that biting does not get them the spotlight. If you rush to the biter first (even to scold them), they are still getting your intense focus.

3. Address the Biter Firmly and Simply Turn to the biter and use a short, “enforceable” statement.

• Say: “Biting hurts. I won’t let you bite.”
• Say: “Teeth are for food, not for friends.”
• Avoid: Long lectures (“Why did you do that? We don’t bite! Look how sad Billy is!”). A child who just bitten is in a “red zone” state of mind and cannot process a lecture.

4. Move and Redirect If the child is agitated, move them to a quieter space to calm down. Help them find a different activity to reset their brain.

Part 3: Prevention Strategies

If biting becomes a pattern, you need to become a detective.

• Shadow the Child: If you know a child is going through a biting phase. Stay close (within arm’s reach) during high-risk times, like free play or transitions.
• Identify Triggers: Does the biting happen before lunch (hunger)? When the room is loud (overstimulation)? When fighting over a specific toy?
• Give Them Words: If you see a child getting frustrated, intervene before the bite.
  • Say: “You look mad. You can say, ‘My turn!'” or “Put up your hand like a stop sign and say ‘Stop!'”
• Provide Sensory Outlets: For children who crave oral stimulation. Offer crunchy snacks (carrots, pretzels) or safe teething jewelry/tools to chew on.

A Note on Empathy

If your child is the biter, please be kind to yourself. It is not a reflection of your parenting or your child’s future character. It is a developmental hurdle. With patience, consistent boundaries, and the development of language skills, this phase—like all others—will pass.