A Love and Logic Guide to Handling Whining and Arguing
Stop the Squabbles: A Love and Logic Guide to Handling Whining and Arguing
That all-too-familiar sound starts up again—the high-pitched, drawn-out whine over a snack, or the “It’s not fair!” that kicks off a 10-minute debate. Whining and arguing can drain a parent’s energy faster than almost any other behavior.
The Love and Logic approach, founded by Jim Fay and Foster W. Cline, M.D., offers a powerful framework for ending these power struggles. The goal isn’t to “win” the argument; it’s to calmly and lovingly make the behavior ineffective. Here’s how you can handle whining and arguing by putting the responsibility back where it belongs: with your child.
Rule #1: Go “Brain Dead” to Neutralize Arguing
An argument takes two people. If you refuse to participate, the argument can’t happen. When your child tries to hook you into a debate (“That’s not fair!” “You never let me!” “Why do I have to?”), your job is to “go brain dead.”
This means you stop your own brain from reasoning, defending, or explaining. Instead, you respond with a simple, calm “one-liner” that you can repeat as many times as needed. You become a loving, polite “broken record.”
Your one-liner should be delivered with genuine empathy, not sarcasm. Pick one that feels natural to you:
“I love you too much to argue.”
“I know.”
“Probably so.”
“I bet it feels that way.”
“Nice try.”
Here’s how it works:
Child: “It’s not fair! I always have to clear the table!” Parent: (Calmly) “I love you too much to argue.”Child: “But I’m not kidding! Billy never does it! You’re making me do all the work!” Parent: (Smiling) “I know. I love you too much to argue.” Child: (Sighs and gives up, because the argument isn’t working)
By refusing to get hooked, you save your energy and show your child that arguing is a useless tool.
Rule #2: Use “Enforceable Statements” for Whining
Whining is a learned behavior. It works because it gets a child one of two things: attention (even negative attention) or the thing they want. Your job is to make it get them neither.
The key is to stop using unenforceable statements (commands you can’t control) and start using enforceable statements (statements about what you will do).
Unenforceable Statement: “Stop whining right now!” (You can’t actually make them stop.)
Enforceable Statement: “I’ll be happy to listen as soon as your voice sounds like mine.”
With an enforceable statement, you aren’t trying to control your child. You are only controlling your own actions—in this case, your attention. You are lovingly teaching them: “Your regular voice works with me; that whiny voice does not.”
More Examples:
Instead of: “Eat your dinner! Stop complaining!”
Try: “You don’t have to eat. I’ll just be putting the food away in 10 minutes. Feel free to eat as much as you need to feel full until breakfast.”
Instead of: “I said ‘no’! Don’t ask me for that toy again!”
Try: “I’m happy to talk about anything else, but I’m done talking about that toy.”
Rule #3: Hand the Control Back with Limited Choices
Often, arguing is a child’s attempt to gain some control over their world. You can satisfy this need by giving them control before the power struggle begins, using limited choices.
The key is to only offer choices you can live with.
Instead of: “Put your shoes on! We have to go!”
Try: “It’s time to leave. Would you like to put on your sneakers or your rain boots?”
Instead of: “Go brush your teeth right now!”
Try: “It’s bedtime. Do you want to brush your teeth before or after we read a story?”
If they refuse to choose or try to argue, you can calmly make the choice for them: “No problem. It looks like you’ve chosen for me to pick. We’ll do stories first. Thanks!”
Rule #4: Empathy Comes First
This is the “Love” in Love and Logic. Before you deliver a consequence or an enforceable statement, you must connect with empathy. This lets the child know you are on their side, even when you’re holding a limit.
“Aw, man. That is so frustrating.”
“I know, it’s a real bummer, isn’t it?”
“I understand. It’s tough when you have to stop playing and do chores.”
When you start with empathy, it’s no longer you vs. your child. It’s you and your child on the same team, facing the problem. By consistently applying these techniques, you’ll find that the whining and arguing start to fade, simply because they no longer work.
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Last Updated: October 21, 2025 by Dennis6336
A Love and Logic Guide to Handling Whining and Arguing
Stop the Squabbles: A Love and Logic Guide to Handling Whining and Arguing
That all-too-familiar sound starts up again—the high-pitched, drawn-out whine over a snack, or the “It’s not fair!” that kicks off a 10-minute debate. Whining and arguing can drain a parent’s energy faster than almost any other behavior.
The Love and Logic approach, founded by Jim Fay and Foster W. Cline, M.D., offers a powerful framework for ending these power struggles. The goal isn’t to “win” the argument; it’s to calmly and lovingly make the behavior ineffective. Here’s how you can handle whining and arguing by putting the responsibility back where it belongs: with your child.
Rule #1: Go “Brain Dead” to Neutralize Arguing
An argument takes two people. If you refuse to participate, the argument can’t happen. When your child tries to hook you into a debate (“That’s not fair!” “You never let me!” “Why do I have to?”), your job is to “go brain dead.”
This means you stop your own brain from reasoning, defending, or explaining. Instead, you respond with a simple, calm “one-liner” that you can repeat as many times as needed. You become a loving, polite “broken record.”
Your one-liner should be delivered with genuine empathy, not sarcasm. Pick one that feels natural to you:
Here’s how it works:
By refusing to get hooked, you save your energy and show your child that arguing is a useless tool.
Rule #2: Use “Enforceable Statements” for Whining
Whining is a learned behavior. It works because it gets a child one of two things: attention (even negative attention) or the thing they want. Your job is to make it get them neither.
The key is to stop using unenforceable statements (commands you can’t control) and start using enforceable statements (statements about what you will do).
With an enforceable statement, you aren’t trying to control your child. You are only controlling your own actions—in this case, your attention. You are lovingly teaching them: “Your regular voice works with me; that whiny voice does not.”
More Examples:
Rule #3: Hand the Control Back with Limited Choices
Often, arguing is a child’s attempt to gain some control over their world. You can satisfy this need by giving them control before the power struggle begins, using limited choices.
The key is to only offer choices you can live with.
If they refuse to choose or try to argue, you can calmly make the choice for them: “No problem. It looks like you’ve chosen for me to pick. We’ll do stories first. Thanks!”
Rule #4: Empathy Comes First
This is the “Love” in Love and Logic. Before you deliver a consequence or an enforceable statement, you must connect with empathy. This lets the child know you are on their side, even when you’re holding a limit.
When you start with empathy, it’s no longer you vs. your child. It’s you and your child on the same team, facing the problem. By consistently applying these techniques, you’ll find that the whining and arguing start to fade, simply because they no longer work.
This video on neutralizing arguments helps explain the first and most important skill in handling defiance and arguing.
The first SKILL TO MASTER for handling disrespectful behavior is Neutralizing Arguments
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